5 Signs You Are Dating A Cheating Narcissist
Have you ever encountered a dating partner who swept you off your feet, courted you persistently and made over-the-top declarations about the way they felt about you – only to discover they had a girlfriend or boyfriend all along? How about the ex who kept “checking in” with you over text while in bed with their spouse? Or the shady significant other who always seemed to disappear for days, only to return with excuses about their whereabouts?
You may have come across a narcissistic or sociopathic personality type. Narcissists and sociopaths are notorious for engaging in both emotional and physical infidelity. Not only are narcissists players and pick-up artists in the dating world, they are also serial cheaters in relationships.
In fact, a wealth of research suggests that narcissism is positively correlated with having extramarital affairs and more sexually permissive attitudes towards infidelity, even when there is satisfaction in the present relationship.
(Foster, Shrira, & Campbell, 2006; Hunyady, Josephs, & Jost, 2008; Mcnulty & Widman, 2014).
The difference between your garden-variety cheater and the narcissist is that the narcissist isn’t searching for just cheap thrills; they are searching for power and control beyond what is fathomable to normal empathic beings. Due to their stunning lack of empathy, penchant for exploitation and thirst for validation and narcissistic supply (sources of admiration, praise, sex, and any other resources they desire), narcissists create “harems” or fan clubs of admirers, ex-lovers and potential mates which they can feed off of – all while maintaining a long-term relationship with a primary partner. They have an insatiable need for validation and attention. When combined with their sense of sexual entitlement, this makes them dangerous predators who place their partners at high risk for emotional and physical repercussions.
Their ability to gaslight their victims into believing in them, their capacity to dupe multiple victims, to manipulate and manufacture fabrications long-term is what makes them such stellar performers. Frankly, the numerous ways they convincingly present a false mask and warp reality are astounding and can create massive cognitive dissonance in their victims. This duplicity allows them to dupe not only their partners but also society as a whole into believing that they are the charming, upright, moral and honest people they pretend to be.
Here are five signs you may be dating or involved in a relationship with a cheating narcissist.
1. They grandstand early on how they would never lie or cheat or even tell a tragic tale of how they themselves were cheated on.
Beware of the grandstanding narcissist who deals in contradictions and hypocrisy. Grandstanding is a habit of the covert narcissist – someone who boldly declares how honest and trustworthy they are repeatedly, yet fails to follow through with their words time and time again.
When someone constantly talks about how much they believe in integrity and honesty, that can be a red flag in itself. Ask yourself: why would someone who is truly decent and honest have to reaffirm these qualities to those around him or her? Those with authentic integrity do not have to always talk about the fact that they possess this quality – they live their integrity through their actions more than their words.
If someone appears too good to be true, chances are, they probably are. Narcissists are often wolves in sheep’s clothing. They project a different image of themselves to the world which contradicts who they really are within. They often speak in absolutes, claiming that they would “never lie” to you or cheat on you. They overemphasize their trustworthiness because they know their character is hollow.
While people who are not narcissists can do this as well, narcissists who are serial cheaters will often volunteer information early on about how they were cheated on. This is to depict themselves as the victims of infidelity when they were frequently the perpetrator of it in their past relationships.
Watch out for anyone who appears to display the red flags of cheating all while claiming they themselves were the victims of cheating. This is projection and gaslighting to keep you off-balance and keep you doubting your own instincts about their character.
2. They frequently cancel plans with you, disappear for days and you don’t hear from them until they return.
If you’re in the early stages of “exclusively” dating a narcissist, you might notice that he or she tends to disappear often without a word or cancels plans last minute (or makes plans with you last minute). You might mistake this for mere flakiness, when in reality, it could be a sign that they are knee-deep in other dates or in hot pursuit of new victims.
It’s common for narcissists to continue dating others even if you’ve both agreed to be exclusive. Narcissists have a high degree of entitlement, so they feel entitled to the rush that new supply grants them as well as sex or any other resources offered by their other harem members.
“Another common trait of the chronic narcissist is his or her pattern of not following through on agreements and obligations. This can range from the relatively mild, such as flaking out on appointments and tasks, to the highly serious, such as abandoning major responsibilities and relationships (commitments). Being self-centered and conceited, the narcissist will generally meet his or her obligations only when they suit his self-interest. Chronic narcissists do not relate, they use. They talk a good talk, but often fail to back it up.” – Preston Ni, 8 Common Narcissist Lies
Be wary of someone who constantly cancels on you or rarely responds with consistency. There is no such thing as reliability, punctuality or honesty with a narcissist – they will place their multiple romantic prospects on rotation to suit their needs at whim and they will be indifferent to the pain or inconvenience they cause their partners when they suddenly pull out of plans on the day of or when they stand you up.
In long-term abusive relationships where stonewalling is common, cheating narcissists often use periods where they’re giving you the silent treatment to pursue their other targets. That’s why you’ll find that the narcissist asks you for a “break” or might even manufacture arguments out of thin air – it’s simply an excuse to leave the relationship temporarily at bay while they explore their other options.
3. Their social media is shady and they love creating love triangles.
Narcissists and sociopaths use social media as a way to create love triangles among their targets. It gives them a sense of validation and power knowing that they have so many admirers who are willing to bend over backwards and give them the praise and attention they constantly need.
This suspicious behavior on social media can manifest in a variety of ways. Narcissists are known to be on dating apps even while committed and can also engage in obvious flirting both online and offline. Their shady behavior can range from their nefarious possession of dating apps to more innocuous online activity. You might notice that the narcissist posts strangely provocative or flirtatious comments on the photos of other attractive men or women.
Perhaps they refuse to put up a relationship status with you – or they do, but they continue to openly hit on others or add suspicious new friends who seem to be far more than just friends. They may also follow a large volume of sexually explicit accounts. If someone you’re dating exclusively (or even just flirting with) appears to already be in numerous relationships on social media all while claiming you’re the only one, it’s time to reevaluate.
If they already have a relationship status listed with someone even while claiming they are no longer with them, it’s wise to not to take the narcissist at his or her word. Either verify with the other person that the relationship really is over like the narcissist claims or detach from the narcissist completely.
You might even be in a situation with a narcissist who has no social media accounts. This could be a way for them to protect themselves – after all, if none of their other partners know that the narcissist is in a relationship, it’s far harder to be caught in this digital age.
4. You discover their other victims or their other victims warn you.
This is quite an obvious sign, but it’s one that isn’t often spoken about. If you see strange occurrences of victims that the narcissist has dated in the past calling them out publicly or going out of their way to warn you about them, take a step back. It’s common that if a narcissist has a wide pool of victims, at least a couple of them will attempt to speak the truth about what they experienced.
The narcissist will claim these people who are speaking out about them are “crazy” liars or stalkers. In their smear campaigns, they’ll bemoan how their past victims were “obsessed” with them or that they “just couldn’t let go.” It’s easy to depict past victims of narcissists as unhinged – and the narcissist knows this. They will preemptively strike by telling lies about victims so that by the time these people reach out to warn you or tell their side of the story, you’ll already be more inclined to believe the narcissist.
The truth is that the person in question is warning you for a good reason – they probably have experienced the infidelity themselves and want to prevent heartache for present and future victims. Don’t be so quick to assume that every past lover who comes out of the woodwork simply has a vendetta. Survivors of narcissists are not “obsessed” – they are often traumatized and looking for answers.
5. You catch them chronically lying – often for no good reason.
Narcissists and sociopaths are masters of pathological lying. They gain a sense of “duping delight” from being able to pull the wool over the eyes of their many romantic prospects. Sometimes, they lie to protect themselves and to prevent themselves from being caught cheating. They may lie about where they were the night before or tell elaborate tales about who the “friend” they were seen with really was.
However, other times, they may lie even when they have no reason to do so at all. For them, it’s about power – and being able to control a person’s perception gives them a thrill and sadistic sense of superiority and pleasure.
When it comes to infidelity, a narcissist or sociopath has no qualms lying to your face all while emphasizing how much they value honesty and transparency. They may have a primary girlfriend or boyfriend, even a spouse who they have (at least on the surface) committed to. Perhaps they even post romantic pictures with their significant partner and praise them on social media. However, they will not think twice about cheating on and gaslighting those same partners.
They also have no moral code that would prevent them from doing the unthinkable – no time limits or boundaries on when, where or how they’ll cheat or even who they’ll cheat with. They could be on a romantic vacation in Italy with you, all while swiping on Tinder and sending explicit videos to strangers. Or, if you’re not their primary partner, they could be spending the weekends with their girlfriend all while taking you out on weeknights. You would never know, unless you began investigating.
As they do this, the risk of getting caught only adds to the thrill. They enjoy manipulating. They enjoy the sex, the resources, the endless supply of admiration coming their way. But most of all? They enjoy being able to get away with it.
What To Do When You Realize The Truth
If you notice these red flags, know that this person is unlikely to change. The way they have mistreated you was not personal – they do this to all their victims and are loyal to no one, not even their primary partner.
It was not your fault that you were targeted by this predatory personality. However, what you do next with the knowledge you have is important. The earlier you detach from this toxic personality, the better chance you have of healing and of moving forward onto the loyal relationship you truly deserve.
References
Foster, J. D., Shrira, I., & Campbell, W. K. (2006). Theoretical models of narcissism, sexuality, and relationship commitment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(3), 367-386. doi:10.1177/0265407506064204
Hunyady, O., Josephs, L., & Jost, J. T. (2008). Priming the Primal Scene: Betrayal Trauma, Narcissism, and Attitudes Toward Sexual Infidelity. Self and Identity, 7(3), 278-294. doi:10.1080/15298860701620227
Mcnulty, J. K., & Widman, L. (2014). Sexual Narcissism and Infidelity in Early Marriage. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(7), 1315-1325. doi:10.1007/s10508-014-0282-6
Ni, P. (2014, August 14). 8 Common Narcissist Lies. Retrieved August 26, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201608/8-common-narcissist-lies
56 comments
Many Narcissists are possessed with the Jezebel spirit. The Jezebel is an androgynous spirit. They will cheat with women AND sometimes men. Sex is just supply. The Jezebel spirit rules based on control and manipulation. They love the chase and seek to destroy us, they wear many masks. Sounds familiar?? I’ve come to realize that you would NEVER be the only one in a Narcissistic relationship. My ex-boyfriend recently tried to cheat with me, with the woman he cheated on me with, which ultimately resulted in my discard. He’s now bored! We all fizzle out in their life. They are constantly on the prowl for new supply. They will have multiple sex partners and one night stands. But, remember they’ll constantly seek temporary gratifications to fulfill a permanent voids!! #AccessDenied Be blessed and more importantly NARC free!!! ❤ Thank you for the Skype Chat today!
Thank you so much for your comment… I really needed to hear this on every level in every way… Everything you shared is the same as the narc I’ve been with for almost 8yrs…
Kirsty Perez Education is so vital. When you realize that they are ALL alike. Textbook. You begin to predict their behaviors. You know when they’ll begin to hoover, you become cognizant of the phases! Focus on being whole and rediscover your peace!!! ❤❤❤
Research, research, research on Narcissist Personality Disorder. Its the only way to make sense of ‘What’s Just Happened’, and the reason you attracted these type people into your life. Thank You ?
@Tori A my ex continues to do the same with me and the person he is with is one of many that he was dealing with when I drove away from his house. It gives me great satisfaction to be able to look him in the eyes on a regular basis and tell him that I will never meet him for sex! Ever! Go home to Boo, Boo!
Thank You for sharing Tori. Great to Skype Chat with you today!!! ?
I think having the new source and still having you is the sweet spot for them. They can dump all their negative energy into you while getting the pleasure of someone new falling for them.
hat is the sickest part. when i caught him cheating all i could think about was how poorly i had been treated and how great she must have been getting treated. they truly are sick individuals!!!
its possible these people are pretty sick in the mind, and they don’t think that is a problem
ARROGANCE!!!
@Keith Bowan perfectly described
I totally agree, I have been stupid enough to let my narc keep in contact with me for 3years whilst he is with new supply because he convinced me he loved me and was trying to find a way back to me and was sorting things out. We would sleep together and go on holidays. But everytime he argued with her he physically and verbally abused me and visa versa. I have been a complete fool all in the name of love, what a joke
yep sick psycho’s!! ?
You are absolutely correct! Only a vile evil monster like them could do such a thing to another human. They are selfish and love to have “their cakey and eat it too” as the Narcopath I dealt with said at first and I ignored it. SMDH!
Another reason to Go No Contact and LOVE yourself more! ?
They can have their NEW source of supply and their multiple harem members.
12mths No Contact and still going STRONG!!! #NFG✌️
Yep, so true, before I sussed all this out, I’ve seen my ex-girl so pumped up & full of herself after cheating, so completely arrogant & disrespectful toward me, swearing on her Nans grave she wouldn’t cheat, never has, we’re just friends, can’t I have friends blah blah.. Then the smirk & all that.. They Love it.. SICK.
@ Stanley M she would make fun of the guy she cheated with, calling him a loser and saying she wouldn’t give him the time of day.
Yep., a few times I tried to pull her up on her cheating & she would say oh give me some credit, look at him, d’you think I’d screw ThaT, anyway I think he’s gay/drug addict /wino/ loser,.whatever..Im playing abit of a questionable game at the moment.. I know what she is, completely accept it, but I’m still staying in touch, we’re 200miles apart, I’m treating her much as you would a lab rat, a pet Narc. Yeh it’s probly dangerous, bit like keeping a Komodo dragon for a pet but it’s fascinating at same time.. She is completely text book so far. I know this isn’t good in the long run but it’s my way of extracting a bit of revenge before I go completely No Contact..
@StanleyM omgsh, same exact thing I went through
Perfect analogy of a narc relationship to the shelf life of milk. The capture lasts momentarily but it will soon End. Don’t cry over spilled milk.
Easy way to Explain It ☝️ Thank You!
@ Angela Washington don’t cry it’s sour milk ?
All I can really say is, “Yup!”. Can’t believe how accurate this piece of writing is… felt like throwing up while reading it to it. Geez.
True! Narcs are unable to create long-lasting healthy intimate relationships, they always find themselves in the middle of some bitter drama and that’s how usually those relationships end.
The first day I met this Narc his phone was hot from his Baby Mama contacting him, with drama and another chick he was dating at the same time was contacting him with their drama.
I did question him about the drama and as the story goes they’re the CRAZY EXES and they want him back or they won’t leave him alone… I should have known better!!! ??♀️
I’m just glad I’m away from the sick POS!
@CAB You’re out of the bs now. You should think yourself lucky that you didn’t end up in a relationship with the guy or even worse being married and having kids. you’re a strong wonderful kind hearted person. I’m so glad I found you guys. #gogetem I would like to thank you for being there for me and all the other narc victims and survivors, when we all need it most. ❤️
“2 or 3 lined up that they are grooming, courting or seducing to replace you”. What a bunch of sick twisted people on this planet we live on.
Right. Mine had numerous sex partners going at the same time. I left when it became too dangerous and too twisted. My love was wasted for many years.
@Jennifer, I feel you… My X had multiple ongoing relationships, like leading a second life… I found out when another female answered his phone that he had been in a relationship with and had gotten pregnant and I had no clue. Good news is, I got the last word. he made one more attempt to come back around me and I turned him away for good. It made me sick to look at him. I had never said no to him before, now I’m done… Shocker for him, LOL!
This Narc kept boasting he had 20 women on the go at once when I first started chatting to him.
My gut told me to run, I wish I’d listened.
It’s best Not to Dance with the Devil. And keep the Trash where it belongs….OUT!!
So they are high risk for STD. I am so glad I escaped. ?
They are lost souls. They will do anything. No self respect
They have No Standards at all ☠️
they will take any supply, no matter what gender.. I can guarantee my narc was bi- sexual.. always telling me he was heterosexual all the time made me wonder and his mannerisms made me wonder too.. if he was honest about it ,ok but to lie ? But who we kidding here? They are all Liars
I think they will go with anything its gross! Think my ex was a cross dresser.
I remember walking past the bedroom door and saw my ex-husband rubbing our good friend’s thigh (who was male.) I think I was in so much shock that I talked myself into believing it didn’t happen. I have nothing against people who are gay – it’s like meg said – it’s gross that they will go with anything!
I believe this Narcissist is bi-sexual. He has family members that are gay. He would always ask me about my sex life, and it seemed like a competition to him.
He would later contradict himself on numerous times and I would question his stories. I did ask him a few times if he was gay or bi-sexual as the way he was conducting himself and chatting about ‘ANAL’. It made me think about his sexuality or testing me to see what I thought.
Now that I have educated myself on Narcissism and Narcissist Personality Disorder, and reading other victims stories I do believe this Narc will go for anything and do anything for supply.
How far is too far??? Beastiality???? ?
The reason why I lasted for 16 years was that I was a good supply and I had to accept who I fell in love with did not exist. When I found out about the adultery, my anger was at first directed to the other person then I had to accept it was the narc husband. I can’t but feel so angry to the point if I could get away with it, I would punch him in the face! He was even in the closet and was messing with men!! I will never go back with him! Unfortunately, we have a daughter together and I have to continue communication with him! Now I have to work on finding myself and figure out why I was a target to this soul sucker! He used to say that they are just friends and I was just jealous. He would tell people that his wife won’t let him have friends…stupid nonsense like that.
Sex and money I just said that to him, it’s so sad. They really can never be faithful, I thought I would be different. I am so silly
This Narc is a Scammer and Con Man. He wanted money from me when I met him on my travels. It was a WTF moment, since we weren’t even a couple or knew each other that well.
Once I returned back to my home country he was still requesting money to help pay his bills and child support for his multiple children. WTF!!!!
Sex, LOL! we won’t even go there ?♀️
Yes indeed true…At the escaping phase I put him out..found out he had 3 or 4 other women lined up…I sensed and had a gut instinct he was cheating..that’s why they withhold sex sometimes bc they can’t perform or it’s a manipulation tactic…BUYER BEWARE WOMEN…DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE
You really broke it down in regards to exposing just how sick Narcs really are. Such a shame they drag victim after victim into there mess. They should stay completely single.
It pisses me off to my core that a worthless, empty azz narc controlled my reality for 3 damn years and he laughed inside bc he had permission by deception to do so. I discarded him 1 yr ago bc my spirit could no longer tolerate his presence. Discovering NPD made me realize that I have been living in a false reality my entire life. Not only was my narc husband unmasked but every narc that was in my life. I feel like I was born the day after discovery. I was blind but now I see. Thank you.
He used pics of our kids to bait his other women, they deserve what’s coming from him. We’re well rid of it.
This Narc uses this website/s to bait other women from the dating sites his on.
Good luck to them all. Their WTF moment will come. ⌛️
although it may be sad to come to terms with at times especially at the beginning of finding out who they really are, it also breaths our freedom . the truth will set us free. the reality in dealing with them brings only unhappiness lack of peace, confusion, dissatisfaction , abuse and hurt they only exists on being destructive, unstable and dysfunctional they never strive or try to maintain a healthy relationship. I loved our chat today x x x
So True ☝️
? ‘Breathes Our Freedom’ ?
Mine would keep talking about all these other women and making excuses to me about how he was working for them or they owed him money. I thought his excuses were bogus but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. He picked one up at the airport and said they did not have sex. It goes on and on and on. I wanted to trust him. He loved my confusion and thrived on it. When I think about all his lies I could puke. 3.5 months Nc.
I used to think the woman he left me for was lucky to have him. But now… i can safely say she has nothing i want and mean it!!!!
There nothing but bullies with labels
YESSSSSS!!! ?
WOW, describes my ex exactly. If what I read is true as the narc gets older they lack the ability to attain new supply she is now 57 and beginning to age badly, I wonder how her new man will last before she get rid of him or he leaves.
This is excellent! I had my ex narc cheat on me online on dating sites and hook up sites.. all I can say is thank you. Xxx
@ Catherine O. Yes, Walking STD labs.
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